so called "idols"

Youtube.
Anybody's ticket to instant "accidental stardom".
One click and BOOM the world is watching you.
You know what they say about the internet. "Once it's out there, there is no undoing it."

And it is really amazing as to how much people would do to get famous or these days,
  internet famous.

What really made me think that way?
Well I stumbled onto this article on the net today.
Synopsis: The blogger (who shall not be named) felt that youths follow "blindly".
                One of the so-called youtube stars was mentioned. Well apparently it is your
                typical big blue eyed, blonde hair make up guru who regularly post videos on
                fashion and makeup/lifestyle. Does a whole variety of videos to help the average
               young thang from getting through day-to-day looking your best and hiding your
               imperfections
               with makeup tips and so on and so forth.(You kinda get the picture here.)
               And oh! guess what? She suffers from anxiety and panic attacks! -.-"
               Apparently an ambassador with some association that kinda deals with mental health and
               also
               snagged up 2 awards from kids/teens choice awards for best web star for fashion
               yada yada yada....
               (Dont mind me blurring out major details guys)
               She has alot of followers.. Basically very loved by her followers, as seen in the comments
               of her videos.... (I really hope you get the picture now:p)


I personally have never heard of her and trust me I do have my fair share of favourite youtube makeup gurus and I watch their videos religiously.
So you know, I decided to check her out, give her the benefit of a doubt. Cause I felt like the blogger was a "hater" towards that particular youtube personality.

Saw her channel and skipped all the make up and hair tutorials and went straight for the video where she did a Q & A about her anxiety and panic attacks.
It was a pretty long video, 22mins I think. So here I am mentally preparing myself to sit through the entire video and guess what? I stopped like 5-6mins into the video.

I am so sorry to be direct but honestly it was a bunch of crap. With a captial "C".

WHY??
She talks about giving tips on how to deal with anxiety and I remember one minute she mentioned,
"Just go to a public toilet, I know it isnt the best place but it is really quiet", or atleast somewhere along that line. And in the next minute or so, she goes on to say how she gets "claustrophobic".
If you are afraid of small spaces then why would you run into a small bathroom stall??
And she goes on to say about when you're talking to someone and an anxiety attacks just hits you,
"Remember to politely excuse youself from that person and blah blah blah"....
What?? If you are anxious, you wouldnt be thinking about manners and if you are being rude to people. You just dont.
You probably would not even realise you are being rude to someone, right?
Come on man, we are all human. We know what it is like to be anxious. Many of us have probably gone through panic attacks.

Why are you making it seem like it is really a disease for you to deal with? Im no hater and in my line of work, trust me, I have seen a good amount of people who have serious serious issues be it mental or physical or emotional and they all need proper care and time.

And I have also seen a good amount of impressionable youths just following pretty faces blindly. Worshipping their every word, kissing the ground they walk on. When in reality, there is not much difference between them and I.

I feel that this need for attention behaviour is really polluting the minds of youths these days.
I mean you can honestly tell the difference of one who suffers from anxiety and the ones who just says they do. Its sad. It is really sad. One shouldnt go to the extent of having "suffered" from a "disorder" to gain sympathy from their viewers. In fact it is like it is almost becoming a trend. It's Katherine Zeta-jones and Demi Lovato with that Bipolar Bullshit. (Please excuse my french.) Just because you pop pills to prevent you from blowing up like the Hulk doesnt mean you have a Bipolar disorder. It just means you are a lil bitch who cant control your anger. (Again, excuse my french.) And I see young teens mentioning that they have OCD or PTSD or multiple personality disorder like it is a cool thing to have. And I am pretty sure it is cause some celebrity has it. -.-"

Take a look at Naomi campbell for example. Everyone knows she has a temper. But I can really appreciate the fact that she lets people know that she DOES have a temper and she does not hide it behind some "diagnosis" that celebrities are doing these days.

All I see on Facebook and twitter is that everyone wants to be noticed. Everyone wants the limelight.
Everyone wants to be a star. Their whole life is that of a soap opera that everyone is literally dying to catch the next episode of.

Nothing is sacred to thyself. Not even thy body.

Nurses: Angels in disguise

When someone asks me what I do, I proudly tell them I am a nurse.
I live in Singapore. The notion here is that nurses are "highly-paid maids". Not much of a respected profession. Not even by our allied healthcare staff:/
I am one to admit that for someone who is in the business of saving lives, we are not being paid well. Not being paid enough. Not many people can let alone stand the thought of being a nurse.
I am not suprised though. I can give you a long list of why people do not give nursing a second look as their career choice. Not paid properly, dealing with sick "contagious" people, dealing with bodily fluids, dealing with family members, dealing with the different emotions from your patients, family members and allied health staffs, juggling 10-12 patients live on a basic 8-12hrs period, no toilet breaks,no water breaks, paperwork, dealing with non-nursing colleagues, patient service quality, and death are just to name a few..

But ask me why nurses are so special, and I'll tell you.
That one moment where a patient or a family member says to you "thank you" is priceless.
Those words may just seem so mediocre but what they truly meant to say is "Thank you for taking care of my loved one when I did not know how to." I feel blessed to be able to help add quality years to my patients life through the work I do, cause it allows them to spend more precious moments with their loved ones when they get home.. And it is funny how this effect reverts back to us cause then we start to appreciate our loved ones even more..
In the work that we do for our patients, truly we are giving them the 'Gift of Time'.
Aint nothing more special than that. :)

Moving on...

So i have not been on this blog in ages.
Well... To be honest...  I kinda lost touch in writing for a while.
So much has happened and it made me think about the world we live in.
Not world like earth.. But world like society.. If it makes any sense..
You grow up knowin a person for years and you think that you know that inside out?...
Nahhh.. That's when true reality hits you hard in your face.
So hard you didnt realise it happened...
In a split second, the person you thought you knew so well becomes the person you never really knew at all.
How did it all happen?
Where did it all when wrong?
How could i have been dead clueless that this was the true colors at all?
It is crazy isnt it?
You know what's worse? What's worse is that my feelings were genuine.. They were real.. :/
I kept thinking how was it my fault? Why would anyone do as such...
For days i ponder. Still, i had no answer..
To a certain extend it was amazing how fast the situation changed. Isn't it not fair that you weren't given time to adapt? Well some people didn't think so..
In fact they moved on faster than the speed of light..
It is sad i am not gonna lie.. But then come to think of it, do you really need such people in your life? Do i deserve such people in my life? Hell no!
I deserve trustworthy people.. People who have my back.. Not some slithering snake who hid all this while..

It is crazy though the thought of it..
So for anyone who is going through the same situation as me...
Fret not my friend, you will soon understand that life is far better once negativities are removed.
And if you ever think that the problem is you? It is not.
It's them.. Cause honestly i shouldnt feel sorry for being the way i am.
In fact i am more sorry that you felt the need to "put up" with myself and needed to pretend to like me...
I mean it would have been easier for you to just have been straight from the start..
I would have respected it.. Not everyone has to like me, i get it..
Deuces...

Writing hobbyist...

Well well well....
What can I say?
Other than the fact that Ive been missing from the blogger scene for quite some time.
"Quite some time" might be an understatement but maybe Ive been suffering from writer's block:p
Heheh..
Hmm.. "How's life?" One would ask...
Well other than the current sore throat, life is just.... blah.. or meh..
Not that nothing is going on in my life. Just that I'm at this stage of my life where I'm making so many decisions and going through so many essential transitions in life.
I'm only turning 23 this year.
Some might find it adventurous, some might say I'm "lucky" to be able to even have options.
Some might think I'm too young to be makin such decisions.
And yes have I heard so many opinions, seen so many reactions.
Honestly, I've recieved so many I have to shut down all these external factors cause I feel it might waiver my decisions and I refuse to let it get to my head.
But I am not gonna lie, it is hard. You have no references to rely on.
All you can do is rely on your gut instincts and pray hard that your gut doesnt fail you.
Cause these are major decisions. And the last thing I need right now is to hear someone say,
"I TOLD YOU SO".
And if you do have references, it is always those scary stories which will end up leaving
you second guessing yourself.
And honestly who the hell needs that?
Why cant someone just tell you something like, "Do what you feel is right, Im backing you all the way."
I mean no matter the situation, it is always nice to hear that.
I feel like getting all this feedback, it seems to me like people just wants you to be here.
In this current situation. Never striving for something better. Never moving forward. never taking risks.
People just settle for what they have. They complain about what they want to get yet whine about how hard it is to get it.
Only thing I've got going for me is that I keep telling myself, "To strive for better, you gotta be willing to get uncomfortable. Go out there and expose yourself, take necessary risks but definitely take steps to protect yourselves in the unknown too. But never be afraid of being uncomfortable, never be afraid of morphing and adapting into the new environments and always always have a backup plan. Cause Shit always happens." :p ...
If it works out for me, then thank God
But if it doesnt, it isnt the end of the world.
Circumstances change.
Find something to live for and definitely find a hobby:p haha
Thats why I say life is meh... blah....
Cause there is too many emotions to process and absorb.
Nervous, anxious, happy, excited, scared.




How does one deal with all these? I do not know...
All I know is that one has to really take a step back and see the situation from a third person view.
Remove all emotions and view from a locial standpoint.
Pros and cons. Which is better.
Be emotionally balanced.
Thats all I have and I hope it works.
Cause one can only tell you so much about their experiences but it will never be quite like going through the actual event yourself.

My two cents worth... 

one year on...

Wow it has been a year...
I read my last post and oh my gahd it was so sappy and sad...
LOL
anyways it has been more than a year since that, I'm proud to say I have grown a lot from that.
relationships will always have fights and words tossed around. But that does not mean I have to forget the good times and dwell on the bad right?
Well, a lot easier said than done.
I forgot my love to write.
In this past year, I've been swallowed whole by this new working life.
The politics at work.
The different personalities at work.
The overwhelming stressors.
Plus personal responsibilities.
I forgot what it was like to sit and write my mind, sing for fun, enjoy my desserts.
Growing up sucks.
It literally makes you like a zombie. You forget you had a soul.
BUT THEN, there are those little moments that bring you back to life again.
I'm talking about the little dates you go with your special half.
The jokes you share with your friends.
The time you get to let loose at home.
Right now I can say that I crave for these moments. And when I'm in it, its bittersweet.
But that is life isn't it?

Uncertainty

Sigh... It was just a few days ago that we've manage to pull through a rough patch. Seems like you dont mind getting into it again. Im mentally and emotionally drained.. Gosh.. To me it was something so trivial. I apologised. You didnt give me time to speak out but instead you choose to walk away. On a situation like this you chose to walk away. And send me a hate msg too as if walking away wasnt bad enough. One thing about me is that when im quiet, im thinking about alot. Just cant bring myself to say what im thinking. Sigh.........
Once you said you were uncertain of the future if i kept acting a certain way. Well i kinda feel the same way right. Cause now i feel everytime there is something we need to pull through, you just gonna walk away... :'( And if it were something even more serious than this, then what?? What will you do.. Because walking away in itself, is so huge an action i need to rethink what we have. Its sad how it only takes one stupid action to overpower all the other beautiful memories. Yes i did ask you to leave, but that is if you were tired. But you left outta anger while i was about to say something. At 1am. Wow.... Ermmm.. Nice to know now i can only depend on myself:/... Now that one move had to jeopardise the whole relationship. It starts here... And if it progresses, who knows what damage it could have done. And you had to rub it in my face with that hate msg. Ok. Your words hurt me alot. I did apologised and offered to help but you rejected both. So what do you want from me now? Im afraid that in the future if something were to come up, you might do something worse. And would i wanna stick around for that to happen or should i just end it right here right now. Cause it seems to me also that in this situation you only acknowledge your own feelings. And what about mine? You know what? Screw that.. You dont deserve to know since you dont even care at all.... Sigh... I dont know what to think right now cause all our memories just flew out the window. All thats left is your back facing me when you walked away... And there's nothing to think about too cause you always think youre right. So i know there isnt any point in me arguing.. And how you only believe what you think is right even though im telling you the truth.. So why ask me questions if you arent gonna believe em anyways? Im simply wasting my breath on someone that isnt gonna change for me. The future is so uncertain now i dont think there is gonna be a next time. I dun even know if its right to say if anger got the best of you. Im not going to attempt to reach you cause that limit has been reached. I need to be alone to re think everything... If i want to.take the risk and continue this:'( Or walk away saving myself. :'( sighh.... If you want me back, you'd come and get me. Let see if that happens. But lets just say that..... I have no hope that it will happen. :( So every minute longer this awkward silence grows between us, the more obvious my choice is gonna be. Sigh.....

I only pray that God holds me and keep me safe. Cause firstly, putting myself at risk at work to help other people and then this unfortunate event comes up literally being a threat to me and my career. All i wanted was support from loved ones. Not a slap in my face saying that you would touch me only when it is proven that im free of any deadly disease.. Wow:'( erm ok.. Fine... Distance away from me then...
Help me lord:(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

The deadly game

Sigh... This deadly game of feelings that you play. So dangerous one might actually get killed. You play the game so ruthlessly without acknowledging the consequences. Its left me hurt. One minute you verbalised the appreciation. The next minute my existence isnt even acknowledged, recognised but ignored. I may be wonderwoman even superheroes have feelings and breaking point. This dangerous game of feelings you play has left me dead. You killed my soul. When all I did was push to know you better. You ignored me. Let's blatantlly put it as that. Knowing it would hurt me. Im filled with rage. Rage that only identifies you as the enemy. I wont let this go till you get what is on my mind.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Never like before..

Sigh, I was thinking... Alot. I had my dignity compromised, my ego deflated all to apologised. But it wasnt recieved the way I wanted it to. I was thinking. About the things Ive done but it feels like Ive been taken for granted. At this point, I really feel like it would take more than losing my life before anyone shows any appreciation. Sigh.. I have lost myself in the problems of yesterday and it will never be the same as before. Its gonna take a miracle to bring me back and even for saying this, I get called selfish.. You dont know what its like on my end. Where you give and give but nothing is returned. And when you threatened to walk away, you are deemed as selfish. I have nothing more to give. Ive given you my all and I have nothing left. Im tired and drained. And I deserve to think about myself this once.
You know all my life, I always wanted that person who would die just to make me smile. Put his ego down just to wipe my tears away. I would really love to have someone who would rather die than to live a life without me. Or do everything in his power to get me back. Ive never felt that special to anyone before. But what saddens me is that I thought I had sucha person:'(.. Sigh.. Ive come to a realisation that Im not being appreciated as much as I would like to be. I wish you would just see what Ive done for you,especially knowing my background. Sigh. I will never be the same:'(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Aint no fool

So you decided to leave me in my time of need. Somehow you managed to make it about you. Amazing really. You wouldnt accept the fact that you made me upset and you left.
"Stop harrassing me", he says.
Wow. Tears roll down my eyes like nvr before as I tried to put myself to sleep. Woke up in an unfamiliar environment. With the queasy feeling in my tummy. Seeing all these numbers.
And the only thing I could remember is that line. Sigh. You can seriously take back all your broken promises that you never want to make me cry.
There's only so much I can take and this is just putting me over the edge. That line keeps playing in my head and it only means YOU've broken up with me.
Dont worry, I'll come to terms with that. Cause if you leave me at my times of despair (when I needed you the most), you bloody well dont deserve me at my best.
After me giving you my best everytime, I dont deserve your best too? Im too much work for you? Its ok. Leaving you, I actually lose nothing. Hah! Infact, I save more. More time for myself and more money too. You know I cant believe you took the cowardice approach to this problem. You really fooled me once. Took down my fb. Cause you dont deserve to see how im doing, good or bad, after walking out. Sigh. Im still in disbelief. You have a nice life. I hope youre happy cause even in break up I gave you what you wanted. Stopped all communication. I hope this is one of those moments where I can say be careful what you wish for.
I'll try to get over this.
"stop harrassing me", he says..

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Impossible.

Gosh, all I needed was a lil.reassurance and you couldnt give me thay. Instead, you just walked away. You know what that tells me? That your toy is obviously more important than I am. And this is what I get. For trying to help you in so many ways and trying to be there for you. This is what I get. Are you serious? After all I did for you, you would choose your toy over me? Really? Rich bitch. Yea I said it. You cant even make an effort to see if Im ok. Livin your good life and after all what am I? Nothing to you right?? Even though I had to learn it the hard way, Im glad I know now. So I can move on. You pretended to care. Why? Why did you pretend to care? What have I ever done to you to deserve this? You wanna make me feel worthless and embarressed? Well congratulations! Cause its totally working.
Just so you know, every night before I go to bed I prayed for you. For you to be safe and happy. For the Lord to protect you.
Everytime, Im with you I always go.out of my way to help you. And this is what I get in return. You obviously dont want to have anything to do with me so why did you play with my feelings. You of all people should know I already have people in my life doing that. So you decided to join em? Im pretty sure if I died tonight, it would be good riddance for you. I cant believe you are acting the way you do. Its not the person I used to know. Then again, you decieved me very well.

Tell them I was happy. And my heart is broken. All my scars are open. Tell them what I hoped would be impossible.....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

A lil reassurance please?

You say you dont understand even tho I put it in the simplest way.. Issit cause you choose not to understand? Thats not fair. I tried to be special. But it seems like it isnt enough. Demoralised and torn apart, you didnt even asked why I cried.. I'll back off. I'll hide out within my walls. Atleast till I get out of this depression:(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

playing with emotions, playing with fire...

Ok.. Its has been a hell of a roller coaster ride. Being depressed is no joke.. You dont eat well. You isolate yourself. You physically deprive yourself. Socially, you lock yourself up. Its not fair that you do this to ne and dont expect me to be angry.. Who the fuck do you think you are?? You know if i were to walk away or call it quits, i lose nothing. I still have my life and family around. But you my friend, you lose practically half your life.. You'll be alone and frankly back where you started when you first came. Bitch i was sad. I became depressed. And then i forgave. Now im pissed. You dont deserve my effort.. Why? Cause youre ignoring me. And may i ask why?? Cause you found a new toy to play with? You dont deserve anything from mw just by the way youre treating me. You make the effort. You dont respect. And frankly i made the effort to try and reconnect but after that last conversation,the feelings i had just flew away. I cied cause i couldnt believe what was happening.. Your misery made you a jerk. And you had to put it on me.. Qhy do i have to go through that? Why do i have to put up shit with u? Have u ever made the effort??? NO... So till the next time i see the 'old you', have a nice life. Cause im done with your nonsesne. Oh, and grow up will you?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

A letter to you

D,
I want the man I love back:( Please....

M.S. .

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

heaven hear me now

As I lay me down,
Heaven hear me now.
I'm lost without a cause, after giving it my all...
Winter storms have come.
And darkened my sun.
After all that I've been through..
Who on earth can I turn to?..
The rain is falling, defeat is calling..
I need you to set me free.
Take me far away from the battle.
I need you. Shine on me.
I look to you...

(My exact feelings... )

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

beautiful fate

As sure as the sun will rise, I know the feel of the new day brings about new possibilities. Hopes refreshed. Challenges to face. The problems of yesterdays fade to grey the moment the clock strikes midnight. And I awaken with a sincere smile on my face. The comfort of self satisfaction. Im not perfect. But I know I have to accept my reality before I can make any changes to move on. It has been a.struggle but I've come to terms with myself. And interestingly enough, after I accept myself, life got.a little more sweet. Get over heartache without a care in the world. Accepting constructive comments and bringing myself up. It may be hard at first but who said it was easy.
But life wasnt that easy. Not till I opened my eyes. Through all the fights and misunderstandings I grow a lil wiser. And when Im ready to forgive, I'll love you a lil deeper. Because I know you need that assurance. But I pray that God gives me the strength not to depend on you so you yourself have space to grow. To be a better person. Through our times together I've seen you through many predicaments just as you see me through mine. What I love about it.is that you stand WITH me.

And so as days pass by, I hope we learn alot. Love more. Grow together. Support each other. Forgive. And most importantly.... Live. :*
Love you...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

purple rain.

Brought me to tears.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

for you.

Your lies are piercing through your masquerade like blood oozing from a stab wound. You think you can get away with this? You better drop this facade of yours or your conscience will leave you drifting away like a wraith. Souless. Emotionless. And by that time, it will be too late to ask for forgiveness. Cause you were too full of yourself. And even the person with the biggest, wouldnt recinsider the thought to leave you behind and move on. So watch your back. Sooner or later.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

appreciate pt2.

"The answer will come to him who tries to see his life through heaven's eyes.

So how can you judge what a man is worth. By what he builds or buys. You can never see with your eyes on earth. So look at your life through heaven's eyes" -Prince of Egypt.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

appreciate

"Now that you know the truth, don't forget to be content. When the gods give you a blessing, you don't ask why it was sent" -Prince of Egypt.

:) I pray to keep you forever with me.

Not your property.

"I'll be braver, I'll be my own saviour. Standing on my own to feet.
I won't let you close enough to hurt me" -Adele.

Sigh... Just when you found something beautiful, the voices around you tell you not to keep it. To desert the one thing that finally makes you happy cause all these years the pressure these voices give you bring you to your breaking point faster than it is to say "speed of light". You thought you had the support but it takes you getting into a fight for them to tell you that they dont like it. Cause now that my time is spent elsewhere, they cant get used to the fact. So am I supposed to present myself to you like a slave everyday so you can use me as and when you like?? Im not liberated to have my own life yet? Do you have any idea how old I am? And the fact that I need permission to live my life is quite pathetic. Sadly yes, still being restricted at this age Im positive that I have some sort of mental disorder. Its funny how I havent break at this point cause I cant imagine to what extent I have to go to before I break. You know I always wonder.. If I died, would yall cry?? Right now (and as always) I really dont believe that yall would. Cause yall never really showed that yall care. All yall ever gave me? Was dictatorship. Yes. "Dont do this". "Do that". "Follow whatever I say or I will throw you out". Thats kinda all the words I remember of you. It is so bad to a point where I fear falling ill. Not because of the pain and discomfort. But cause of the scoldings I would get on how I was wasting money falling ill. Cause I know when I wont get compassion but neglect. So I ask, if yall truly think of me as a waste of time then why do you want to dictate my life? I am not a pawn in your chess game. And not your property. I am a human being. A fact you have been oblivious to.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4